uncomfortable.

I’ve been getting on here, pouring my heart out, and deleting. Why? Because it is extremely uncomfortable for me to feel seen. I developed a fear of being seen at a very young age. That’s because my mother was mentally unwell for most of my childhood. She didn’t beat me, but she was disconnected. I learned that if I could just follow the rules and stay just under the radar in school and outside of school, then I wouldn’t be the one to disappoint an already broken woman. All I wanted was to do good enough so she knew she didn’t have to worry about me.

All my life, I’ve stayed under that radar, I’ve just existed because I don’t want to be the further disappointment of the family, since I won that trophy when I delivered my daughter in January of 09, at just barely 17 years old. I knew my mother was embarrassed and ashamed that her 16-year-old was doing things she shouldn’t have been doing. Fast forward and everyone is proud of me for being a good mom. Even though I did get the side eye when I was pregnant, becoming a mom was the most natural thing for me and I have worked my ass off for that little girl. Now that little girl is 16, she’s making plans for the future, and working towards her goals and I am so excited for her. I can’t wait to see her magic in the world. She is so creative and so smart, she is going to be great out there (No pressure- when you read this, kid). But this time at home for what will be two weeks tomorrow, has me deeply soul-searching. I have meditated and journaled more than ever before. I am truly breaking through some shit. So, I have decided that I need to continue to make myself uncomfortable so that I can overcome this fear. I know someone out there needs to witness someone else grow in real-time.

Cheers to being uncomfortable - I hear it’s the space before greatness 🥂